I will sometimes not compliment someone on something small because I don’t want the same polite compliment reciprocated back to me. Because I can’t respond to that authentically. I won’t say, ” hey that’s a pretty dress” because they will most likely say, ” Thanks. That’s a nice shirt (or dress)” because they’re being nice. Like, I could make someone’s day by complimenting them, but I rid them of that joy because it would make ME feel awkward…Also, because I like to play God.
I’ve just decided to start my own brand of confectionery products titled - “Totes”. The first product will be a new brand of clear translucent fruit flavored spread called “TOTES’ JELLY!”. It’s going to be so good it will plant the seed of envy in my competitors
I sometimes wonder how other cultures sat down before the invention of the chair, before my ancestors invented sitting down “Indian Style”. I imagine it like, ” Hey guys! Guess what I just saw those crazy Indian people do. They just kinda like placed their bums on the floor, and then just like, bent their knees so that they’re like crossed or something and then rested their thighs on their heels. It’s like totes cool!” …In my head all other ancient cultures sound like 21th century stereotypical teenage girls.
At intersections, I walk across the street even when it’s RED and give a smug look at the law-abiding citizen waiting on the other side, as if to say, “ha! I got mad balls bitch. I just saved 5 seconds. Don’t you look stupid.”
Conversations about the Weather are now legitimate!
Recent data collected from the Toronto and GTA suggest that the once small talk topic “the weather” has now transformed into a legitimate topic of conversation. Socially awkward people everywhere rejoice!
"As you gear up to watch the season premiere of GAME of THRONES, I would urge you to remember other heavily anticipated season premieres of once great TV shows and what followed - like the 3rd season premiere of HEROES, the 5th season premiere of LOST, 5th season premiere of X-FILES, the 2nd season premiere of SUITS, and the 5th 6th and 7th season premieres of DEXTER, ." ~ Captain Buzzkillington
Why are ancient cities always being dug? Why are they being covered with mud in the first place? Who is doing this? Whoever it is probably hates archaeologists. And these archaeologists, their job is mostly just construction work, with the added fuss of PhDs.
Let’s face it. Most of us don’t need so much hard disk space on our computers and terabytes of external hard drive space for word processing. No one’s generating that much of data. It’s for 2 kinds of video content for 2 different kinds of recreational activities - Movies/TV shows and the other kind. This is some next level shit of hoarders.
I want to go up to a stranger and say, “I just finished reading a book on how to become proficient at small talk.” Then blankly stare at their reaction and say nothing for an inappropriately long amount of time.
So I was on the the subway and I really wanted to fart. Not joking, although farts are funny. A pretty girl sits in front of me. So the pressure in my digestive tract is building. But instead of letting one rip, I just kinda let it implode into my stomach. Know what I mean?…Still though. What the fuck?? If she was on older lady, I would turn my music up and crop dust the entire area…Damn you, penis!
Ugg. It’s gotten to the point where the presence of a pretty girl makes me feel like shit. It’s not like, “yay! a hot girl! Something nice to stare at. Maybe I have a shot” It’s more like, ” ugg! A hot girl. My was blank. Now I have to torture myself thinking about how I can never have her. I should just kill myself.” And while I think these thoughts, I am staring at her with this look that is a mixture of awe+disgust (at myself) which = creepy. Now I realize it’s creepy and I realize she is creeped out and that makes be feel like shit even more. It’s this black hole of shame and self-hatred.
Pretty girls make feel horrible. They’re an unnecessary nuisance. Like AIDS. Or student debt.
Like, how dare they make me feel horrible! You know what, we don’t need pretty girls. We need more ugly people. Then everyone would be more comfortable. No would find the need to impress anyone. If there were only less-attractive looking girls, then looks wouldn’t matter. We’d have to judge whom to get with based on intelligence and sense of humour and things in common. No one would need to impress anyone on looks. Money would be saved on hair products and fancy shirts and cover charges and drinks at clubs, which could be re-directed to little Matumbo’s education and food in Africa! There would be no charade. No pretense!
But reader, you might say,” Subhash! Pretty women are people. They are not these unattainable objects that should be put on this pedestal. (All pedestals are high, therefore a high pedestal would be redundant.)” Well reader, to that I say- No! Pretty women are not really people, if you really think about it. Regular people don’t have opportunities and favours and things just handed to them. Pretty women think that’s just ‘life’. Their entire existence is sans struggle. And that my friend, is very uncharacteristic of people!
That being said, if there are any pretty girls out there who are attracted to me for some reason, please feel free to contact me… ugg. Damn you, penis.
In action/drama films and TV shows, when 2 badass characters are talking over the phone, how do they know when the conversation is done? They always just know. And they never end the conversation with common etiquette and lingo like”talk to you later” or “see you then” or “bye”. It always ends with like an order/instruction, and both parties just kinda know to hang up. No one ever leaves out a detail and goes “shit! I forgot to tell him about the password to get in…” and then embarrassingly proceeds to call again…
I guess it’s because someone wrote what to say for them. And it isn’t real life. Yeah, maybe that’s it.
I am one of those people, when I see my friend has left his facebook unattended, I have to post something indicating that he has come out of the closet /his homoerotic fantasies. Why? Because I find it hilarious for some reason. Sometimes I go for the super original groundbreaking- “i’m gay”. And how I laugh and laugh.
Peter Parker. Bruce Banner. Reed Richards. Matt Murdock. Louis Lane. Sue Storm. Subhash Santosh… so by this logic, I had an awful childhood. Which left me feeling inadequate. And a social outcast. Until something fantastic happened and a superpower just kinda fell into my lap and gave me a ripped bod sans P90X. But I convince myself it’s destiny. Then inform my abilities with my troubled past to become a reluctant hero. I fight evil usually within city limits. Usually to rescue someone. And then go back to an anonymous life. No TMZ… So…watch out.
Thanks Union GO Station for strategically placing seats in the waiting area that have ZERO vantage point to view the train schedule screen. They do it so it’s fair.You can either stand for 45 minutes and view the screen all you want OR you can sit and not be allowed to know when your train arrives. BUT you can’t have BOTH mister! That would lead to an Entitlement Society the great Romney warned us about.
(I’m bitching and moaning about the fact that I have to stand for a bit in a warm building and then have the privilege to travel in a safe train with cushioned seats and large windows that provide a great view. Champagne Problems.)
Now I’m no churchgoer so I get all my info from movies. Now, in the confessional, when the Father asks, “How long since your last confession?” I always think, ‘Why does he give a shit? Is he gonna stop listening if it’s been too long like, “umm yeah I have to be some where in like 10, and there’s no way I can listen to all of this. It’s too late for you anyway. So…lates.” Or is he gonna be like ,” yeah it’s not been long since the last time. Go do some more heinous shit before telling me all about it.”