I enjoy not complimenting!
I will sometimes not compliment someone on something small because I don’t want the same polite compliment reciprocated back to me. Because I can’t respond to that authentically. I won’t say, ” hey that’s a pretty dress” because they will most likely say, ” Thanks. That’s a nice shirt (or dress)” because they’re being nice. Like, I could...
A joke about Jelly!
I’ve just decided to start my own brand of confectionery products titled - “Totes”. The first product will be a new brand of clear translucent fruit flavored spread called “TOTES’ JELLY!”. It’s going to be so good it will plant the seed of envy in my competitors
You're Welcome World! We gave you Indian Style!
I sometimes wonder how other cultures sat down before the invention of the chair, before my ancestors invented sitting down “Indian Style”. I imagine it like, ” Hey guys! Guess what I just saw those crazy Indian people do. They just kinda like placed their bums on the floor, and then just like, bent their knees so that they’re like crossed or something and then rested their...
At intersections, I walk across the street even when it’s RED and give a smug look at the law-abiding citizen waiting on the other side, as if to say, “ha! I got mad balls bitch. I just saved 5 seconds. Don’t you look stupid.”
P90X Lean Day 1 vlog Core Synergistics →
My video log of my first day of P90X Lean. This was recorded after my Day 1 workout of Core Synergistics.
Conversations about the Weather are now...
Recent data collected from the Toronto and GTA suggest that the once small talk topic “the weather” has now transformed into a legitimate topic of conversation. Socially awkward people everywhere rejoice!
Is “awful Pitbull song” redundant?
“As you gear up to watch the season premiere of GAME of THRONES, I would urge you to remember other heavily anticipated season premieres of once great TV shows and what followed - like the 3rd season premiere of HEROES, the 5th season premiere of LOST, 5th season premiere of X-FILES, the 2nd season premiere of SUITS, and the 5th 6th and 7th season premieres of DEXTER, .” ~ Captain...
A Seinfeldian Attempt!
Read the following in Jerry Seinfeld’s cadence: Why are ancient cities always being dug? Why are they being covered with mud in the first place? Who is doing this? Whoever it is probably hates archaeologists. And these archaeologists, their job is mostly just construction work, with the added fuss of PhDs. [Seinfeld music]
Awful Jew Jokes
What do u call a cold Jew?- An Iceberg. What do you call a jew who deserts the army?A Wahl-berg
Why is that the first google suggestion after you type an Actress’s name is, “<insert actress name> feet” ? Is foot fetishism that rampant?!
Vault of Shame- My porn machine!
Let’s face it. Most of us don’t need so much hard disk space on our computers and terabytes of external hard drive space for word processing. No one’s generating that much of data. It’s for 2 kinds of video content for 2 different kinds of recreational activities - Movies/TV shows and the other kind. This is some next level shit of hoarders.
I don’t want to brag but I think I’m the most humble person you know.
I want to go up to a stranger and say, “I just finished reading a book on how to become proficient at small talk.” Then blankly stare at their reaction and say nothing for an inappropriately long amount of time.
Malcolm Gladwell's 10000 hour rule.
10,000 hours. 10,000 hours is what it takes to be world-class at anything. 10,000 hours from NOW I am going to become world class at procrastinating…oh wait… Do you see what I did there?
Bees & Flies
You catch more flies with honey?…Yes. But they’re flies. They also sit voluntarily on feces.
Should Pretty girls become extinct?
So I was on the the subway and I really wanted to fart. Not joking, although farts are funny. A pretty girl sits in front of me. So the pressure in my digestive tract is building. But instead of letting one rip, I just kinda let it implode into my stomach. Know what I mean?…Still though. What the fuck?? If she was on older lady, I would turn my music up and crop dust the entire...
I want to write a song called “Hey Mista! Das nacho cheese!” It’s about a sassy guy telling his pet rat to get away from his cheese.
Damn you Words! You always cast a spell on me!
24 years later I find out, it’s ‘milquetoast’ not ‘milktoast’. Oy Vey.
Phone calls in Action/Drama Films and TV shows
In action/drama films and TV shows, when 2 badass characters are talking over the phone, how do they know when the conversation is done? They always just know. And they never end the conversation with common etiquette and lingo like”talk to you later” or “see you then” or “bye”. It always ends with like an order/instruction, and both parties just kinda know to...
I am one of those people, when I see my friend has left his facebook unattended, I have to post something indicating that he has come out of the closet /his homoerotic fantasies. Why? Because I find it hilarious for some reason. Sometimes I go for the super original groundbreaking- “i’m gay”. And how I laugh and laugh. I am proud of my sarcasm skills.
I is a superhero.
Peter Parker. Bruce Banner. Reed Richards. Matt Murdock. Louis Lane. Sue Storm. Subhash Santosh… so by this logic, I had an awful childhood. Which left me feeling inadequate. And a social outcast. Until something fantastic happened and a superpower just kinda fell into my lap and gave me a ripped bod sans P90X. But I convince myself it’s destiny. Then inform my abilities with my...
“You know what’s funny about 9/11…” is a terrible way to begin a sentence. For a person like me. Because I’m not good at writing punchlines.
Thanks Union GO Station for strategically placing seats in the waiting area that have ZERO vantage point to view the train schedule screen. They do it so it’s fair.You can either stand for 45 minutes and view the screen all you want OR you can sit and not be allowed to know when your train arrives. BUT you can’t have BOTH mister! That would lead to an Entitlement Society the great...
Now I’m no churchgoer so I get all my info from movies. Now, in the confessional, when the Father asks, “How long since your last confession?” I always think, ‘Why does he give a shit? Is he gonna stop listening if it’s been too long like, “umm yeah I have to be some where in like 10, and there’s no way I can listen to all of this. It’s too late for...